you were a real-life jelly bean, growing in my uterus.
You’ve invaded my space and made your cocoon in my womb. You rebel every chance you get, and it’s only been a bit over a month? I’m still not sure. I think I can sense you, sense that my body as given itself over to something greater. I never expected it to be like this. You greeted me with swift cramping and swollen sensitivity of my lady lumps. Not that was abnormal, but cramps that usually subsided within few hours before the red flood didn’t quite go away and still no flood. Sneaky! I had a lot of plans that never included you. But here I am scrambling to give you the life I promised you several years ago.
Soon after, an ugly feeling settled at my stomach. It rested there for a few days. A permanent hangover. I prayed for release, to rid myself of this unsettling feeling in my gut. The nausea stayed there, unrelinquished and brewing.
I remember, my body bent over and curled to the floor, I’m on all fours now.
A fierce and berating growl escaped from the depths of my belly and vibrated against the back of my throat, bringing with it morning’s breakfast, apples and curdled milk. My chest burned up, I could then feel the acid penetrating the walls of my chest. My body shivered, and I pissed myself.
It was this very mind etching moment, I decided you’d be an only child.
Mothers, sisters and female friends told me it would get better. But it was hard to think of the light at the end of the tunnel.
At eight weeks and six days, I finally went to the doctor.
And you became so real to me, no longer were you the thing that occasionally fling me to the floor,
you were a real-life jelly bean, growing in my uterus. You catch unto the left side of my womb. You were real!
For three and half months I vomited three times a day following each meal.
I could not hold down liquids, especially water. I was so worried about you. How can I possibly nourish you when it had become physically impossible to keep food down? I read, and I tried every old lady’s tale I’ve heard about, seeking means by which to sustain us.
I thought about you much more than I did about me, quite an anomaly, given that I’m a naturally a self- centered and selfish human. But you flooded my consciousness, can I hurt you if I sneeze? Even that became a legitimate fear.
Can I color my hair?
Can I pierce my nose?
Can I take baths?
Can I still go to the gym?
Can I eat tuna? I like tuna.
Like women before me have done, so did I. I gave up all that I loved and enjoyed, just to preserve your health. I completely placed you above me. I gave up coffee, and listen, no matter how overrated that is, it’s a big thing for me. I don’t have a lot of things that I enjoy, but a Mocha at IF Coffee, surely hits the spot.
But this was not a sacrifice.
Thank you, for latching on this time around. And I can’t wait to see you….so I can start drinking coffee again and going back to the gym…lol
No but seriously,
I patiently wait to meet you.